The Guts Not to Fight Back

A Conversation with Myself About My Style of Citizen Participation

Jackie Robinson: You want a player who doesn't have the guts to fight back? 

Branch Rickey: No. I want a player who's got the guts *not* to fight back. (movie ’42’)

I had a wake up call circa. 1974.  I was on the bandwagon to get ride of the current U.S. President, Richard Nixon.  I tend not to use the word ‘hate’ regarding anyone, but with Mr. Nixon, I came close.

Then I had a conversation with a friend, who, after hearing my rant to rid ourselves of this clown, calmly said, “He is your President.”  What did he mean, ‘my’ president?  I had voted for Hubert Humphrey and George McGovern, the latter with enthusiasm.

I learned a great lesson that day.  Life does not come on my terms.  I cannot escape responsibility by simply distancing myself for those things and people with whom I disagree.

In this case, I am part of a nation that democratically chooses its leaders. (this point can be debated if one adds the tremendous influence of money and corporate power into the equation)  But, event with that disclaimer, I’m not free from my own compliance in our history.

My friend suggested to me that our citizen obligation is to find ways to enable Richard Nixon, in this example, to be the very best  president he is capable of being.  That's a tough pill to swallow. And here’s the rub. When I approach that seriously, I don’t necessarily drop my offering of alternatives to what I think his policies are, but I do seek openings and opportunties that aren’t solely based on my opposition to him or to his ideas.  What is the role of the 'negative?'  Is it more real?  Is it more satisfying to 'get it off my chest?'  Does it invite a useful approach?  Does it serve me in seeking meaningful participation?

On the other hand, is avoiding the 'negative' a cop out?  Is pointing out problematic consequences useful? At what point is the point of no useful returns?

How can I have "the guts not to fight  back", yet make a positive contribution to our community?

I am thinking of this as we experience the fifth year of the presidency of Barack Obama. At the moment there are three ‘scandals’ that, at least in the Washington beltway, are taking up the time, energy and resources of the nation.

I will not predict how these three will play out, but I do think that by using them to attack the president will, by design or not, keep the nation from moving forward in the areas most important to the public.  It is many months since anyone, including the administration has said, ‘jobs, jobs, jobs.’ 

And, yet, quite apart from the 3 scandals and the divisive social issues, having self-worth and putting bread on the table remain a primary personal and family value.

Where are the practical proposals developing in every local community across the country that give people the opportunity to be part of the ‘shovel ready’ job creation.

Who does not want to drive on better roads?  Who does not want to enjoy the public parks and lakefront?  Who does not want beautiful and safe bridges? Who enjoys masses of trash dumping on our streets?  And drainage systems?  Who does not want the fruit and vegetables picked and delivered as fresh as possible to our farmer’s markets and grocery stores? Who does not want smaller classrooms and well-trained teachers for our kids?

Where is the bully pulpit of the president or the voices of governors and mayors and county executives paying more than lip service to ‘jobs, jobs, jobs.’

What do we want?

Personal dignity? A decent job with decent pay in a decent environment.  Is that too much to ask?

Family values? A mother or father who can be with their family without the anxiety of any economic security.  Isn’t that better than what we pay for in human suffering and abuse when that doesn’t exist?

Citizenship?  A citizen who through work contributes to the whole.  Giving back with neighbors who work together for safety and schools and ongoing dialogue about the future of the community.  Isn’t that the essence of the ‘American way?’

A Safety Net?  Disability from military service or public service as police or fire fighters or other first responders? A sense that my life will not be over if I get sick. An understanding that we will help each other to deal with issues of addiction, disease, and everyday health. Every civilized community creates some ‘insurance’ to support certain basic needs.

I never came to ‘like’ Richard Nixon.  I many ideas that differ from politicians locally, state-wide and nationally. And many presidents have followed with whom I have had to make my peace.  But it’s easier now because I don’t ‘hate’ my elected officials.  I certainly have high expectations of them, but I have those same high expectations of myself.

The trick is to not confuse the commitment to ideas, ideals and practical action with eliminating the opposition.   Branch Rickey’s advice to Jackie Robinson may apply here

Things in the nation are troubling to you? Look in the mirror.   Ask.  “Am I ready to participate in a way that seeks a different path than attacking the politicians who I don’t like or agree with?”  “Will I seek with my neighbors a different way?”

They Call It Resurrection--Part Two

“Fresh Voices” is the title of the current NY Times Book section.  The title captured my imagination. Perhaps, I thought,  I’ll find something life sustaining in these pages.  “Fresh voices” seems to pre-suppose ‘not so fresh’ or even gone from the scene.  Sure enough, my hope is answered.  Unexpectedly, it arrives in a excerpted quote from a review of the new book, “The Burgess Boys”  written by Elizabeth Strout best known for “Olive Kitteridge” a wonder-filled story itself.

The reviewer says, “Strout  “animates the ordinary with astonishing force.”  What’s not to like about that phrase?  

For me, its use of the words animation, ordinary, astonishing, and force are all words that point to bringing life out of death, a description of ‘resurrection.’  We take what we can get.  It strikes me as a fresh statement of a very old and treasured understanding.  

I use a lower case ‘r’ because we can only ever see Truth partially.  Resurrection (upper case) is in the realm of the Wholly Other.  Jesus is Resurrection.  What we can experience is resurrection, that which is available us in our limitations. 

Pontius Pilate’s question, “What is Truth?” could never be answered that could satisfy him.  His life was a flat plane with no dimension of spirit.  His encounter with the Truth in Jesus, however, could have been an ‘animation of the ordinary with astonishing force" if he were open to it.

  
 I do see regular, common neighbors living this truth daily, revealing resurrection moments through film, art, books, plays, music, inventiveness, care for others, architecture, nature--'Resurrection' as resurrection flows from all human experience.

The story of a revived corpse may be interesting to some, scary to others.   Zombie movies have a certain appeal, but the ‘resurrection’ is not about scientific proof (historical evidence) or things you have to make up.

The meaning of ‘resurrection?’ It means  that this Word “animates the ordinary with astonishing force.” So called plain and common people no longer have to live in the shadows dominated by forces who have more strength, numbers or money.  There is power in life that is not in the hands of the wealthy or the politicians or corporations or the church, or the pope, new or old, dead or alive.

History needs people whose beliefs and lives are rooted in values that don’t discriminate over who is the best.  Who are those people who are willing to gather around a table to share different ideas of how we can live together in more healthy and productive ways?  Who is open to the Truth?

There is nothing particularly noteworthy in connecting with the resurrection of Jesus if  it does not relate the possibility of daily life resurrection. If resurrrection does not exist for everyone, it does not exist for anyone.  This has nothing to do with convincing people you are right, defending your religion, or trying to get others to change their ways.  It is the permission to approach life completely free of the shackles that keep us from acting and being in ways we deeply know are within us.

It is a difficult thing to recognize that resurrection flows from the brutality and horror of the death of man(sic).  Thankfully our experience of that death is not always brutal and bloody.  It is more often the ‘mini-deaths’ that occur all the time.  These are more than the ‘paper cuts’ of life, but the invitation to die isn’t physical martyrdom.  

A ‘resurrection’ approach to life may appear when we doubt that there is any meaning.  We ‘curse the darkness’ as the poet says.  We don’t see any path forward.  We feel that we are at wit’s end.  We have been abandoned or abused.  We have gained some money or status, but vital living has escaped us.

But then we pick up the New York Times and see “Fresh Voices.”  We follow that sign and discover again that life is stronger than death.  Look everywhere and you may see what I’m talking about.  Re-telling the Good Friday-Easter story reminds us that this is true.

Resurrection provides a whole new way of thinking.  It is an entirely different approach to living life.  

And that’s the ‘heart of the matter.’ 

**The thought of ‘how would I share my understanding of Christianity with my grandkids led to a two part entry on Christmas.  I’ve realized since just how difficult it is to take the deepest understandings of life and put them in form for any of us, much less the very young.  What is the age to deal forthrightly with death?  I have friends who tell me now that their older kids resent the church stories that skirted the centrality of Jesus’  violent death.  Is anyone hidden from our violent society?  Can we talk with children about the violence that Christianity addresses without crossing a line that could hurt a child?  I have no answers for that, so without avoiding or sugar-coating Jesus death, I’m not sure at what age we pull the curtain back.  We have many songs and stories that may help, but not because children like them or it gets us off the hook. I’ve heard the cocoon to a butterfly metaphor a hundred times.  It’s a simple, accessible and even beautiful metaphor, but I’m not convinced it gets at what Good Friday-Easter means.

They Call It "Resurrection"-Part One

The reality of death has become a definite part of my life; my life has, so to speak, been extended by death, by looking death in the eye and accepting it, by accepting destruction as part of life and no longer wasting my energies on fear of death or the refusal to acknowledge its inevitability. It sounds paradoxical: by excluding death from our life, we cannot live a full life, and by admitting death into our life we can enlarge and enrich it. Source: An Interrupted Life: the Journal of a Young Jewish Woman, 1941-1943-Etty Hillesum

**I have spent a lifetime, at least since 1962 working overtime to build a connection between the message of Christianity and life as I know it.  I am only too aware of my own inadequacies in taking on this challenge.  I do it because the ‘once and a while’ that I do experience ‘getting it’, I look for ways to express what I think I ‘m seeing.  So I ask the reader not to agree, but to ‘cut me some slack’ in trying to relate what I’m saying to your own journey.  I welcome responses made in the spirit of the common human search for meaning.--Rick Deines

This is the first of two parts on 'Resurrection--2013’

“The babe in the manger is the man on the cross.”  That’s all you need to know.  Martin Luther did not sentimentalize the story of Jesus.  That is not because he did not care for beauty or happy endings.  He, as we enjoyed a good meal, tasty beverage, comfortable surroundings, natural beauty and inspirational music.  Don’t most of us prefer comfort to struggle?

Luther doesn’t sentimentalize the Good Friday-Easter story because that is not its meaning.  It is not a shelter from the truth.  It is a sad commentary that many today can reject Christianity because they think it is a weak community. The only weakness in the death and resurrection of Jesus is misunderstanding and misrepresenting its meaning. To this criticism,   many of us who claim the Christian story are vulnerable.

The great temptation is to cheapen the Christian view of life by trying to get to Life by avoiding all mention of death.  No Good Friday=No Easter.  No violence=No victory over fear.  As some have observed, putting one’s faith in any institution or corporation is a denial of death because ‘self-preservation’ is the goal of McDonalds, the New York Yankees, the Boy Scouts and any church.   It is the error of the guy in the story that keeps adding to his wealth thinking that will shield him from dying.  It doesn’t.  His error is not his greed or his accumulation.  It is his denial of death.

Take another look.   Following the Jesus’ story with open eyes simply does not permit escaping any of life’s bitter and sweet truths.   It is a gross distortion of the essence of Christianity to see Jesus’ gruesome death and the way the story plays out in the ‘Resurrection’ as a simple tale of good triumphing over bad.  Any story that simply trumpets good over evil misses something important.  It is never that easy or obvious.

I use the present tense ‘plays’  because the death and resurrection truth of Christianity is ongoing. Resurrection still happens.  It is not ‘once upon a time’ and we live those good times over and over again. That is the formula for the movie ‘Groundhog Day.’

The question is not, ‘did Jesus rise from the dead?’ but “did you (or do you) rise from the dead every chance you get?”  The primary question is not one of history or scientific proof, but rather of the pertinent life question, “ how do I daily rise from the death all around me and in my own life?”  Whether one likes this theology or not, the question of how one relates to the brokenness of life is as they say, something you always have with you.

Christianity is not faring well in this ‘post-modern’ world. Late last year I wanted to re-think and re-tell the Christmas story.  For me, the birth story is a perspective on life  that grounds the mundane and the simple in the universal wonder of the universe.  It is fair to say that when the ‘slaughter of the innocents’ and lower class surroundings are included, the Christmas story does not compute so well as a children’s story either.

The church could ask itself how far it is willing to go to make hospitality for children more important than its central message.  I know the ice is very thin at this point of the conversation.  Yet, consider......

The Holy Week story is a very difficult one,  wrapped in the reality of violent death as it is.  Another observation credited to Martin Luther is that the Bible is not a book for children.  He was aware of its tragedy.  Yes, there is more there, but you can’t get there from here without the slavery,  the desert,  the exile, the walk into the fire, the constant threat of extinction--all contexts that set the stage for our story.

The authentic life goes on  trial held by the rulers, secular and religious and the people. It ends in death a given in life.  Even though the man is killed, the baby also dies with him.  The significance of being a plain, ordinary person is lost, it seems forever.  

What we wait for is the re-appearance of the common human being, you and me.  And it does come.  But it is a wounded body, forever scarred, yet strangely victorious.  

Holy Week draws the battle lines between power and those with less power.  The Palm Sunday march is a defiant denial, a protest of the political and cultural norms. This includes religion that suppress the gifts and creativity of the lowly.  Its central thrust is tied to Mary’s song surrounding the birth of Jesus in Luke, the role of Pontius Pilate and the religious authorities. They are uncovered for what they are.  And it isn’t pretty.  This is not a tale for the naive young.  

The surprise now called ‘Easter’ and named the ‘Resurrection’ is not about making a hero out of Jesus.  Those pieces of cloth from the tomb or a U-Tube video showing a young Jewish man with or without a beard walking around surrounded by adoring throngs makes no difference whatsoever in the meaning of Jesus as the Christ and as the cornerstone of a very‘new‘  yet old religion.    

The Good Friday-Easter event invites each of us to see and experience ‘resurrection’ in our own lives, the lives of others, all around the world and throughout the ages.  This  ‘Word’ is universe wide and history long. It pervades every inch of existence. In the beginning, now, and forever.

Practice, Practice, Practice--Recovery Part II

**this is the second half of some thoughts about how persons recovering through the processes of Alcoholics Anonymous have been teaching me a life method, a practice that could be useful in innumerable settings.  In the first piece, I focused on the structure  of the reflection method itself and how it can be applied.  Here I suggest that two things are necessary that open up new avenues for someone using this method: (1) Using or practicing the steps alone or in a small group; and (2) Being open to the ‘plus’ that makes the practice worthwhile. These thoughts come after a long conversation structured in the AA way with men at Serenity Inn, Milwaukee this March, 2013.

Part II-Practice, Practice, Practice

Today, I sat with a group of recovering men at Serenity Inns. Seven men were present along with two staff.  Two residents were not present because of their employment--this program requires men to begin working as soon as possible after a one-month period to ‘clear their heads.’  

One resident had been clean for 17 months, having completed the 7 month Serenity program nearly a year ago.  He is currently taking advanced level classes at the local community college for certification as an addiction counselor.  He volunteers to cover at the Inn when staff is required to be elsewhere.

Another has only been living at the Inn for 5 days. The other three have been residents for 45 days to a little over 4 months.  4 of the 7 are African-American, 3 are white.  The age range is mid-20’s to mid-40’s.  Several have had families including children now separated because of the addiction. However, their progress at Serenity has led to some re-unification with the children in some cases with the support of the former spouse.

They nightly practice the discipline described in part one as part of the ‘Dinner Fellowship.”  One resident provides the question to be discussed by the residents.  He offers a different question for the guests.

A recovering person spends considerable time thinking, writing and sharing his journey while in Serenity Inns recovery program.

Yet, as valuable as practicing this conversational discipline can be as a solitary exercise, or a way to talk with the family at dinner, it is just a form, a pattern, a guide. It is not a magic potion.  It comes much harder than that.  But it can be done.

What such practice can lead to is a ‘plus‘ in the life of one who practices.  The ‘plus’  is that unexpected insight or revelation or understanding that may occur within us because of the practice.  Things happen that cannot be predicted or forced.  

That is the difference between a view of humans as ‘self-made’ and those who see ‘interdependence’  or mutuality as part of every human journey.  An overemphasis on my own ability separates me from others.  An overemphasis of needing other creates unhealthy dependence.  The AA practice seeks to honor both the individual and the community.  

The admonition of the great religions to ‘love neighbor as self’ and ‘to do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ make that view of humanity central to life.  

The work of recovery is personal. Yet, it involves others. In reality getting one’s ‘self’ together also means recognizing the reality of mutual dependence.  A whole bunch of people play off one another in real life.  An addict can only speak and work on him or her self.  However,  it is only beneficial if the effect on others is recognized and responded to.

At Serenity Inn, for many the truth of mutual dependence becomes more clear at the ‘dinner fellowship’.

In reflecting specifically on the value of the evening meal and conversation, the men have voiced unanimity in  their experience of ‘trust’ and ‘love’ and ‘selflessness.‘ This is part of their ‘plus.’  

“I’m so moved,” one said, “By the fact that people who don’t know us come and feed us.”   They mentioned the value of ‘hugs’ over ‘drugs.’ (everyone laughed).  They mentioned the positive effect of being around persons without addictions.  Said another,  “I really enjoy it when people bring their kids.  Maybe if I tell them to stay away from this stuff (the drugs) they’ll believe me and not go there.”

The gifts of this conversation are available to all.

This ‘plus’ some call ‘inner work.’  Our interior lives become different. We discover what we did not know before.  We hear advice that incorporated into our being will change us even though it may not be obvious.  “Nothing is changed, everything is transformed,” is how Paul of Tarsus put it.  It’s not like a haircut or tattoo when something is changed, but nothing is transformed.

Tai Chi Ch’uan is an ancient martial art.  I’ve taken instruction for about 18 months which means I’m in my infancy.  My teacher spends more time with the ‘internal’ discoveries of the art.  The ‘Relax’ mode or the ‘Chi’ moving through the body is not something one can command or that comes because one does the forms correctly.  

Tai Chi Ch’uan like addiction guarantees nothing.  But doing the ‘forms’ (having the regular conversations) opens the gate to the possibility for dramatic change.

What is the ‘heart of the matter?’  That change is possible? That our lives are complex? That our personal resources are limited?  That risking our story in a sharing community may be beneficial? 

The recovery method used by Alcoholics Anonymous works a good deal of the time.  To identify a ‘community of intentional and regular practice’ may give all who share not just a change, but a transformation.

Sharing Our 'Dis-ease'--Recovery Part One

The method of Alcoholics Anonymous addresses the cracks in the foundation of human life.  I’m on a kind of mission to get the wisdom of AA out to the general public. I find the men and women for whom AA works develop a way of thinking about and reflecting on their lives that could be used in any group setting.  I wrote these reflections in March, 2013 following a 60 minute conversation with men in recovery at Milwaukee’s Serenity Inn.  

Part One: Facing our ‘Dis-ease’--Understanding the Conversation

Some of us sometimes can feel isolated or alienated or even victimized. We feel we have no one to talk to much less to trust with intimate feelings  We are surrounded by escapes from our reality. We manipulate others.  We buy things.  We eat.  We turn on the TV.  We glue ourselves to the phone or internet. We try religion or sports or sex.   We may literally flee to a private space, a coffee shop, the lakefront.  We have our friends and family, some of whom are mutual enablers (I won’t ask you any hard questions, if you don’t ask me any).

That’s a pretty bleak picture, but is a necessary forerunner to announcing how we regularly and often successfully deal with such things.  Life really doesn’t ‘suck’ but sometimes our responses do.

We want more of our lives.  We want more consciousness of our depth feelings. We know that our tempers or jealousies or desires (not needs) block us.  We resent ourselves.

We read self-help books or commit to a health regimen or get busy with various projects.  We try to fight off the despair that can accompany a long term effort to ‘get our stuff together.’

Could an ‘AA’ discipline be a way to face up to things we would rather escape from?  And build community at the same time?  I’m almost certain it can.  Are you open to the suggestion?

This is not an abstract argument.   If you could attend any addiction meeting, you would recognize the pattern. Yesterday I met with a group of men addicted to drugs and alcohol who reside at  Serenity Inns in Milwaukee.  These 7 men have chosen to begin their recovery in a highly disciplined environment.  The plan is that a one month ‘getting one’s self together’  period will be followed by another six months of communal residency with strict guidelines.  Serenity Inn is a recovery center which means that if it works,  not only will behavior change but a life is turned a new direction.  

It is tough stuff.  To confront an addiction at Serenity Inns means a total commitment to live in a community that invites you to face your demons.

It is the conversation method created, applied and adapted by Alcoholics Anonymous that is a key to recovery.  Simple, yet profound, the discipline of this conversation is deeply human and accessible to any person, addicted in whatever way we all are addicted.

Who would not benefit by being part of a similar discipline?  While deceptively straight forward, a conversation about addiction reaches levels of human consciousness that seem critical to every life.

Who cannot find time to have a regular conversation that follows this approach?

Step One-Identity

An addict introduces themselves by name, “My name is Rick,” adding a naming of their disease, “And I am an addict.”  or for the rest of us < my presence is acknowledged by others. I am here. Who am I? Can I admit it publicly? What is my dis-ease?>

Step Two-Journey

Each person in invited to share their experience as it relates to their recovery.  For instance, ‘what triggers your addiction?’ ‘How will you prevent a relapse?’

After sharing, the person will say, “With that I will pass.” or for the rest of us <Can I listen with care to what others say, then am I able and willing to tell my story to them?>

Step Three-Affirmation

The group responds, “Thank you, Rick.”<can I accept that others have listened, heard and relate it to their own experience?>

To appreciate the value of a recovering addict, one either has to be or have been an addict themselves or have a great appreciation for the fact that a non-addict will never quite get it.  But we all can grow in our self-understanding,  if we name our own demons and share them somewhat openly. (total honesty isn’t possible and some information or confession may not be useful)

This honesty by the non-addict is a pre-requisite for grasping the disease of addiction and discover specific steps to recover.  We have far too many instances where someone is so victimized that time is needed to openly share feelings, thoughts, and fears. ie  veterans returning from war , victims of domestic abuse or rape or children being gunned down in school?

And is it not also true in less overwhelming contexts?  Negative behavior, anger toward a neighbor or drive through motorist; rebellion in the family or at work;  jealousy or envy of a co-worker;  resentments thatI carry long after it no longer matters.  We also can use ways\ to work through the daily stresses and pressures

Isn’t there a simple answer?  Some say, “just change!” Others think, “Take responsibility!   Of course, decision-making is ongoing. It is a piece of the puzzle, but forces that exceed our reach are involved as well.  Each of us has a different history that may influence our ability to immediately change.  Once a behavior has reach the description of ‘disease’, we need another prescription.

One prescription may be to connect with the recovery process can be of great benefit to all of us.  In a curious way the conversation among persons who are addicted have a leg up on others.  They share something in common right at the get-go.  “I am an addict.”   It will take longer to establish some common ‘trust’ when it will take longer to grasp the commonality each brings to the conversation.

Try it on yourself first in the privacy of your own space.  Take out a piece of paper and list those behaviors that you wish had gone differently?  Write what you think about your  view of yourself is behind those behaviors?  What might you focus on to substitute those actions with something more helpful?  Whom do you trust to begin mutual sharing?

The next entry will seek to address some of the connecting realities that flow from the AA approach.

Orthodox Jews, Anxiety, and Teenagers

A Discovery Walk Through the New York Times

I am convinced that life is full of incidents and expressions that sustain us.  This isn’t a mushy conviction that seeks to see light where there is none.  Sometimes there just doesn’t seem to be any.  And I don’t think any of us can force it, ‘power of positive thinking’ aside.  Side note: Bobby Knight’s new book is called “The Power of Negative Thinking.”  Back to the subject which is to share some of my experience in reading today’s newspaper.

I read the local newspaper daily.  On rare occasions something speaks to my experiences, my thoughts, or my feelings.  Most the time, however, I make a very quick trip from the main through the business sections,  with most of my time spent on the Word Jumble. It’s at best cotton candy entertainment. I walk away having only superficial disappointment or occasional pleasure at what the politicians may or may not have done around WIsconsin or Milwaukee.  A cartoon here or there can put a smile on my face.  It really isn’t much of a source of sustenance. It’s a kind of news, but nothing of much consequence.

On the other hand, I also read on line the Opinions and Columnists of the New York Times as well as movie and book reviews on a daily basis. If I get to the library or coffee shop on Fridays, I read almost everything in the Times.  An hour or so will pass and I have often have a notebook filled with quotable material.

Today, Friday March 8, 2013 is bonus day.  The writers invited me to think more deeply about something, to contemplate an insight or to consider  a new understanding.  When that happens, I experience the newspaper as a vital part of my reflective life, those things that expose ‘the heart of the matter’ to me.

What I share here is NOT analysis from a political point of view. That is my one disclaimer.  We are so immersed, dwarfed, and falsely guided by political distortion that I do not find sustaining values in that realm. The Times may be seen as a ‘liberal’ newspaper, but that is not the message I share here today.

Perhaps, however, the values I do hold become apparent by my sharing the trip I did today through the New York Times.  And, to be clear, this is the shortened version, lucky you.

A Column

In the Orthodox Surge,  David Brooks takes us to a Jewish Orthodox ‘Whole Foods’ type food market in Brooklyn called Pomegranate. As we walk with him through the aisles of the store he explains how the store is not just a place to get the week’s groceries.  It is more importantly a corner stone of community,  It works hand in glove with those who have committed themselves to the Orthodox Society.  His point is this:

“Those of us in secular America live in a culture that takes the supremacy of individual autonomy as a given.  Life is a journey. You choose your own path. You can live in the city or the suburbs, be a Wiccan or a biker.”

In contrast, he says in describing this rapidly growing Orthodox community (with a birth rate due to a much higher marriage rate) will soon be the largest in New York City:

“The laws in this view (Orthodox community) make for a decent society.  They give structure to everyday life.  They infuse everyday acts with spiritual significance. They build community. They regulate desires. The moderate religious zeal, making religion an everyday practical reality.”

Brooks’ concluding paragraph reads: 

“All of us navigate certain tensions, between community and mobility, autonomy and moral order.  Mainstream Americas have gravitated toward one set of solutions. The families stuffing their groceries into their Honda Odyssey minivans in the Pomegranate parking lot represents a challenging counterculture.  Mostly, I notice how incredibly self-confident they are.  Once dismissed as relics, they now feel like the future.”

I, nor I suspect, Mr. Brooks are going to drop everything and rush to join (and I’m not sure we’d be welcome) this community.  However, it wouldn’t likely do much harm for us to be willing to ask ourselves the questions this raises about our own values, commitments and life style.  While having severe limitations as a model lifestyle for most of us, being open to learning from this and others offering alternatives to much of the lifestyle that has become ‘American’, may be a very good idea.

And that’s the ‘heart of the matter.’

Another Column

In Our Wait-and-See Culture Robert J. Abramson provides his window into our responses to ‘incidentalomas’, the unexpected finds by doctors who are giving us an exam for one thing and find another.  In his case his exam revealed a ‘low malignant potential’ for a cyst on his pancreas. He is told to wait 6 months and come back for another test.

His concern about these six months is the anxiety waiting in the unknown produces. 

“An increasing number of people are finding themselves in this ‘follow up in six months’ mode and experiencing the same attending anxiety. The idea of waiting is in itself an existential experience.”  

His fear is that we are developing a ‘follow up’ culture that makes the future, already unpredictable,  an “I’m ok now, but what about the future?” frame of mind.  

And, in part,his closing paragraph:

“And yet, as disturbing as it is, it also provides an opportunity to live our lives to the fullest each day. As some Eastern philosophies tells us, life is like a river, in perpetual motion, and when we flow with it we attain a level of tranquility.

.....my hope is that we can come to terms with the river, make friends with it, and allow it to teach us to be present in the here and now.”

And that’s the ‘heart of the matter.’

A Movie Review

A.O. Scott’s review of The We and I tells a story of what happens on the fictional BX66 busline rumbling through the Bronx over a six hour period.  Its subjects are primarily the students who get on and off the bus, the lives they bring to and share on the bus, and what emerges from those relationships.   “At certain stops the bus or subway car will be flooded with adolescents releasing their pent-up energies in a confined space.”

What happens he says will test “even tolerant oldtimers to think grouchy thoughts. What’s the matter with kids these days?”

This is without doubt a difficult film to watch, however, I am struck by Scott’s concluding thoughts:

“And as much as it revels in meanness--the wit of a well-timed put-down and the joy of a good prank--”The We and I” is finally more interested in love, and in the sweetness that peeks out from beneath the bravado and sarcasm.  It has such a generous curiosity about life, and such a commitment to the group’s dynamics.....”

“It is also like.......a valentine to New York as too few travelers (or, for that matter, residents) see it: crowded, loud, and rough, but with room for everyone. And if you listen closely, you’ll hear the poetry in the noise.”

Most of us will never see this film.  I may not either.  Yet, Scott’s final words can be applied to my daily life.  It invites me again to consider a kind of hospitality that seeks only situations in which we are comfortable and people who are just like us.

I benefit greatly from this kind of  ‘news’ and other media as well.  I don’t have to sit around wringing my hands asking if there is meaning in life.  And that’s the ‘heart of the matter.’

Dr. King's Witness to Civility--True Conservative and True Liberal Values Strengthen Each Other

(written but not submitted last October. Included here because of Dr. King reference and Black History emphasis.  The first thoughts were triggered last October by a little seen Dr. King tribute display at the Milwaukee Central Library.  I re-visited and edited what I wrote at that time. This is the result. )

I have a dream--at least a partial one.

I want the Democrats to stand in the deep history and commitments that have evolved since the founding of the party.  I want them to check their party platform, the vision of our society, and how the leadership will function, yes in the reality that the present approach cannot offer much new direction.

I want the Republicans to stand deep in the history and commitments that have evolved since the founding of the party.  I want them to check their party platform

We need to be a country of progressives--forward thinking, risking, learning from one another.  The progressive vision can easily become abstract, idealistic, romantic, and utopian in ways that do not connect with the masses of citizens.  One critique of 'liberals' is to be ungrounded, too heady, and expect others to carry out the agenda they describe.

We need to be a country of conservatives--building on the wisdom of the past, learning from the lessons of history, creating a wealth that is made up of the varied gifts of all people as well as an economic understanding that builds the 'household' of each person and community.

I hear repeatedly that we all want the same things in our communities:  safety, work, schools, affordable products, transportation, health care, families that raise children with civic responsibility.

Is that what the Democrat platform (Corey Booker) means by expanding the middle class?  Where are the neediest recognized as citizens and given opportunities, if they are mentally and physically well?

Is that what the Republican platform means by reducing regulations so that small business people can be successful as entrepreneurs?

Where does our foreign policy, our relationship with Israel, with the African and  South American countries, with the Middle East, the Soviet Union, England etc. fit with those things "we all want."

What is it that drives politicians to want to punish fellow citizens or those desiring citizenship?  Is there another answer than prison (or nation imprisons more people than any other industrial nation)? What 'liberal' or 'conservative' values are behind denying these basic human rights.

The burden is upon the Democrat Party and President Obama to be more than 'the lesser of two evils.'  Little positive energy comes out of simply making the other guy look silly.  While my shadow side laughs when my side seems to win such debates, I know that moving together as citizens in a common cause requires a commitment to a common cause.

That is what I think Dr. King and the Civil Rights movement, even with the great opposition it had, gave to the nation and to the world.

The word 'civility' is being used by so many of us that it will soon become like invoking Dr. King, Mahatma Gandhi, and Nelson Mandela, names repeated so frequently that the essential meaning of their work is lost.

With that risk, when people ask me what I mean by 'civility', I will increasingly point to the life--the beliefs and the deeds--of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  It is both easier to make this claim now (he is not a controversial figure as an American hero) and more difficult (since he's accepted into the club, it is more difficult to appreciate his challenge to us and his fundamental disagreement he would have with some of our values.).

I walked into the exhibit( see my previous post on this experience) open to whatever struck me.  I would not have been surprised if the greatness of Dr. King had been reduced to a romantic illusion or too clearly a display to make the sponsoring company look good.

What happened to me however is that at every turn I was confronted with something he said or did that pushed the envelope I will call civility.  At times I felt affirmed.  At times I felt judged (not by Dr. King but by my own lack of savvy).  At times I was given to new thoughts about the conversation process I use in facilitating dialogues designed to bring understanding and civility.

From his letters, his speeches and his sermons, a few insights that might guide our own attempts at civil conversation.

1) Dr. King's arena for 'Civil Conversation' is the arena of 'innocent suffering.' He sought the 'Beloved Community' in the reality of the neighbor near and far.
2) He entered this arena not to solving an immediate problem but to learn and live the reality of this moment in relationship to our history.  The U.S. still is rebuilding from the life reality of slavery, its aftermath, and the clear mistreatment and injustice brought upon an innocent people.
3) He used Christian scripture not as a law to preach but an illustration(story) to invite.  e.g. "There was a rich man...."
4) He pointed to the future (we shall overcome)--his conversation is about what we should do to alter whatever is still unjust in our system.
5) He rooted his values in the larger vision:  (ie. the Constitution, the 'Dream' of the United States)
6) He recognized his limits/Others will carry on:  "I do not expect to live a long life."
7) He modeled a process of speaking deeply to specific experience while simultaneously setting forth a clear set of broader values.  He avoided the 'self-centeredness' ("are you better off than you were four years ago?) and a sense 'omniscience''("what the American people want is..").
8)He understood that each individual brings a different history to the table.  And that positions we have taken through our history can change.

Reaching for these experiences will change the kind of public conversation we have.

His gift and challenge to both political parties and to those who claim other loyalties is that core values matter.  They aren't invented in the moment, but they represent  what is best for all people.  The core values of both a 'liberal' perspective or a 'conservative' point of view are needed for a healthy nation.  That's the heart of the matter.

"Amour" -- What is Love All About?

Popular culture at its best is a channel for an encounter with reality that can be part of our ever-developing need for sustenance as people.  On an individual and community level it can feed us. The 2012 film 'Amour' is one such example.  Film, art, poetry, music and drama are the gifts of the gods.

The film ended.  No one moved. The theater remained silent.  A near full house then began to leave the film "Amour" sharing an extended silence.  No music accompanied the credits.  We were left with our own feelings and the sense that others too were dealing with some unexpected emotions.

Thomas Vinterberg, who directs, leads us gradually tothe center of being, the heart of living. The no-blinking honesty of the story unfolds from the easily understood to the more deeply problematic. Moment by moment  of unvarnished truth  absorbs and infects us with what commitment calls for when a loved one is dying.

Georges and Ann, in their 80's, provide a lesson in 'processing life.'  They leave us with the question, "how do you or will you handle life when it goes off course?"  Their answer is 'Amour', love,  but it is not the  love of pop culture.  It is a love beyond the romantic or sentimental.   It is hard core--hard dore practical and continual care that demands 100% devotion, a care we can never really fulfill.  That is the dilemma.

'Amour' gives us an opportunity to re-think how we process life,  how we 'love.'

Couples making life long commitment through marriage in our time like to write their own vows.  'Amour' asks, 'do our vows capture the reality of love?'  Or do the tempt us to dodge what we know is true?  Traditional vows set the bar very, very high.

 I, (name), take you, (name), for my lawful wife (husband), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

That is a very high standard.  It is total devotion.  All excuses for why a relationship might not work are swept away in the wake of this commitment.  We commit ourselves to an impossible kind of relationship.  We tend to forget that this kind of commitment happens in the context of a community of 'forgiveness'--you will fall short, but we will be there.  When we aren't an even greater sense of being or power of life will be.

Anne and Georges find this power in music. It strengthens them beyond what they can naturally give each other.  But then life requires even more of them.  They are finally left to use the gift of their commitment to ultimately love one another.

Age and illness gradually gives them choices they do not want.  They proceed painstakingly to adopt the kind of mundane day-by-day decisions that require more.  It is no longer adequate or sustaining to share music or words of affection or even acts of kindness.  The community and family aren't much use to them either.

Life that once called for one kind of care shift almost without notice to require a new level of attention.   No longer primarily emotion or romance, love is an act, an act of care that requires every ounce of physical and mental strength Georges can call on.

Yet, neither Georges nor Anne look to others for empathy or sympathy.  They understand the potential illusion of co-dependence.  It is their lives they are responsible for. This is now their live and others cannot help change the situation.

They will work through the choices as they see them finding neighbors, physicians and home health care to assist them, but they have no tolerance for well-meaning, yet misinformed or misdirected intentions.

They suffer the additional agony of having those closest to them misunderstand who Georges and Anne are and have to be now.  False comfort is not a friend.

From the earliest stories of humanity, the popular myths present life only through a lens of two choices--something is either good or bad.   Happy is better than sad.  Light is better than dark.

Georges and Anne make a different choices.  There is no 'good' and no 'bad', there is only a 'yes' to what is.   At the end of a day filled with changing diapers, and bedding; making meals that won't be eaten; listening to her incoherent cries;  knowing that tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow will be exactly the same, only harder because of the repetition, Georges loves it all.  He doesn't like it.  But he does not shirk his duty of love.  He has promised her.  He will not let her down.  Anne, too, only occasionally alert,  does all that is humanly possible to love back.

It is not clear if they are 'happy' or 'sad' or simply accepting on some level that their choices are horribly limited.  Words like 'meaning' or 'hope' or 'cure' don't exist for them.  Neither do they feel guilty about rejecting easy but inauthentic options.  They are not attracted to take paths that lead further into deception.

'Amour' is pitch-perfect in almost every way.   No moment is wasted.  There is no extraneous scenery or characters or dialogue or acting or truth.  This leads full circle to the silence that enveloped the audience.  We're left kind of naked, but not ashamed.  Exposed but not fearful. Devastated but not without possibility.

In viewing 'Amour' some are met by mystery in the ordinary.  Is there any experience in life that is more important than that?  Or is that 'the heart of the matter?'

Quite an Ending and Beginning--2012-2013

We didn't plan it this way.  Last night, the 31st of December,  Dixie cooked a meal for fifteen people -  the men and guests at Serenity Inn.  SI is a residential recovery center for men addicted to drugs and alcohol.  We have been involved since its inception roughly ten years ago.

We had missed our regular serving date in mid-December, so when a vacancy came up on New Year's Eve we took the date as a kind of make-up.  What we didn't know until a few days ago is that one of the men, 'D', with whom we have gotten to know a bit better than some others was due to have his Rite of Passage, having completed the Inn's seven month program.  So it was fortuitous that our being there at this time coincided with his rite. The Executive Director of the Inn intentionally shifted the 'rite' to the night we were serving so that we could be there with 'D' and his wife and his boss, also a recovering addict (26 years clean).

It has long been evident to me that what so many books and surveys and experiences tell us is needed in our society happens at Serenity Inn and did happen last night.  And, of course, as addicts must do to recover, they face the truth of their living and dying. This always means digging deeply into some ugly stuff.  These are not stories to get fifteen minutes of fame at the end of the nightly news or portrayed in superficial ways in some films.  They differ in that for the recovering person the nightmare is never over.  He or she always is living on the edge of one's failures in life and one's hopes and dreams.

Our culture (and too many of our religions and self-help approaches) do not embrace this precarious edge of life.  For the addict it is a constant companion.  It is the truth of a meaningful existence.  It is tempting  to try to get rid of or forget the grittier part of life.  By doing so we also miss the opportunity to experience the deeper, more demanding things that occur when one is open to the whole truth.  With this deeper plunge can come a steadier hand to deal with life's ups and downs.

Part of the meal (the Dinner Fellowship) of Serenity Inn involves each person at the table responding to a question prepared by one of the men.  Each person, including the guests, takes their turn in introducing themselves and sharing a response to the question.  Invariably the question for the men is a question about how their recovery journey is going.  Rarely do the men dodge from either side of that two- edged sword of death and life, of despair and hope. They respond passionately but not without humor or a sense of the irony of life.

The group last night was roughly a fifty-fifty split of men nearing the end of their program and those just beginning.  This fact revealed that some men saw and knew things through their journey at the Inn that they wanted to pass on to the others.  The exchange was nothing less than profound.

Even though a talented staff has made this possible, it was evident in this group that mentors for the new men had emerged by the 'old hands.'  The staff has grasped the lesson that 'leaders don't create followers, they create other leaders.'

The comments of these mentors was incredibly touching because of their 'spot on' insight and obvious compassion for the other men.  Now tell me how often in your daily life you experience this kind of care?   Reflecting on the wonder of the dinner with a staff member I said, "You never have to wonder if you could be spending your life in a better way."

The addictions counselor spoke a word to 'D' as did many others.  What the counselor said was, "After you leave here, nothing will have changed.  The world will be the same.  The only thing that is changed is that now you have the tools to deal with the world.  And that can make all the difference."

I am part of several groups seeking to find ways to 'transform' our neighborhoods.  I continue to think about ways that churches could be more clear about their own identity and purpose.  Couldn't more groups become settings for truth-telling and tool creation for handling life's conundrums.

Almost every value that we seek to discover in community is present in recovery programs that are rooted in a caring community.  The deepest dimensions of that care are present in communities like
Serenity Inns. Why can't our culture learn the lessons of recovery and join that journey together?

What a way to end one year and begin another.  And that's the 'heart of the matter.'